what i love about being a moma

lately i feel as if i have posted some blogs that may come across negative.

my hurdles category is my own journey through some parenting hoops

and i guess sometimes it feels good to write out the frustrations, learning and letting go.

i tend to be brutally honest and i could see this coming across negative.

(or maybe coming across as if need more sleep?)

anyway, i feel it is important to share how much i love my job.

i love motherhood.

just like all jobs this one isn't perfect. jobs can be difficult, and some parts you don't have to like.

at all.

and that is ok.

but the vast majority of motherhood, well, i'm a huge fan.

the older stella gets the more i love it.

and i think this is leading me to love pregnant women even more

because of their soon to be perfect prize.

i love snuggling with stella. her cheek against my cheek.

i love when she drools on me. (yes i think it's cute)

i love when i come home and i see her huge gummy (for now) grin.

i love seeing her daddy kiss her and talk to her.

i love her heavy breathing when she wakes in the morning 

and she concentrates so hard on her hands or feet.

i love seeing her experiment with her vocals.

i love nursing her when she knows i have what she needs and it will be ok.

i love baby wearing. she's happy and held and close to my heart. win win.

i enjoy folding her cloth diapers on sunday nights for the upcoming week.

i enjoy sharing my jogs with her in the stroller.

i enjoy laughing with mister john about her funny faces or noises.

i enjoy watching the new stages as they so quickly change.

i enjoy that one day she will just learn something new - just.like.that.

i enjoy hearing her deep belly laughs and making my girl laugh.


i love waking up and having her look up and smile in our bed.
i love when she gives daddy big smiles.

even though it's hard, i love caring for another human. fully.

unconditionally.

i love thinking of all we will do together and thinking about her being a big sister...

(NOT NOW! .... just, one day in the not near future)

time measures quickly.

how has it been almost 1/2 a year?

makes no sense.

you little one are 5 months. 

ok so i don't do your updates until at least a week to two weeks late, but this probably is the closest to on time i've been in a while.

you are a good little egg tho, but sometimes i feel like i am running on empty since we are hoping for sleeping thru the night  some day soon. i'm not pushing it, just dreamily hoping.

i don't have any stats since we didn't go to the doc this month except to get some pokes in the thigh.

you are a tough crowd for laughing but when you do it's this belly laugh that is oh so funny. it's kind of deep sounding, from the pit of your belly. have i mentioned that i LOVE your bellie. i love that is round like buddah. i kiss your belly and sometimes i cant stop touching it when it looks perfect and round.

you are interested in everything and still love running water. that has not changed since day one.

you are reaching for everything and anything you can get your hands on. i have to be more careful what i put in arms reach.

we started you in the crib around easter. it's just been inconsistent. at the beginning you just woke your normal times and i fed you and that was that, it wasn't any more waking it was just in another room (sucking for me). i started putting you on your belly for naps and at night b.c that is how you end up and you automatically start to turn over so i saved you the trouble of doing that. you nap better, but lately the night time madness hasn't been as nice.

it's your darn teeth. i think.....

ok so i really have no idea, and i pretty much have thrown my hands up in the air and saying whatever.

you are biting your finger. you are biting your paci ... this changed from sucking on fingers etc, you have the need to bite and sometimes look distressed about it and fuss at night. sometimes you go back to sleep on your own, other times i need to pick you up and rock you, or feed you if it's been a while or pat your butt. you love a good butt pat. i'm getting pickier about when i feed you at night and don't want to assume you are hungry because you are crying.

you finally learned to roll over the other way! we've been working on this guy.

you woke in the middle of the night and i found you cramped up on your back in the corner of your crib. i was in a haze, but knew i put you on your belly so i guess you learned a new trick. it's nice bc you fuss less since we don't have to rescue you when you rolled and get bored.

we will probably start on solids next month... mashing up something for you to try. 

got the book all ready.

i can't believe it's time to get this going. i'm not sad that you are getting older bc you get more fun, but

it's just weird that you grow and change so fast. "they" weren't lying.

your sounds are getting louder, sometimes more demanding and sometimes more piercing. 

you are experimenting with your sounds and know how to get our attention.

you love your daddy these days. mom is like an old hat. 

ok, you still love me, but you dig dadda a lot!

you pretty much always give daddy a smile when he gets home from work and enjoy your snuggle time with him. i love to snuggle you, but it's a nice break for me too. 

 we love our jogger stroller! both of us.

i love being able to take you out and get exercise and you love the fresh air. 

you fall asleep while i jog quite a bit and you stayed asleep a few times 

for over an hour in there post jog.

you reach for everything. i have to watch where i put you on my lap and what i put in front of you. you started to practice drinking from a cup for fun bc every time i do it you want to as well. you are so wiggly and have even started to move the legs in crawling positions but you don't know how to work it all together. you have managed to move forward in your crib by some sort of scooting though.

you are physically strong. duh.

you are my kid, of course you are strong. you aren't quite sturdy enough to sit on your own, 

but getting there. you also get frustrated if you can't do something right away or grab something right away. gee, i wonder where you get that?

you still love those feet.

obsessed.

and i love that you love them and they entertain you.

i'm quite fine with that, although it doesn't do much for keeping socks on.

moma still knows how to trickily get you to sleep when tired. 

you had to come to work with moma once this month and both of us needed you to sleep.

i mustered up the trusty mei tai wrap i packed 

and after a little walking around the office and holding you tightly, 

bam boom we had a cod fish faced, sleeping babe while moma replied to some work emails.

the older you get the more quickly you are changing.

every day you seem to be doing more so a month update doesn't seem like enough.

for sanity's sake we shall keep it around that while there is just 1 kid to write about...

i love you.

(i love you more when you sleep from 10-5!)

ok kidding, i love you more no matter what.

~your momsicle

a pickle is 5 months.

h.5m.b.d!

i sang you a song this morning about being 5 months.

to celebrate your almost 1/2 a year marker

we went for a lovely jog this morning in beautiful weather,

i made you your favorite milkshake for breakfast 

(and another one coming for lunch too!!)

and we are going to see pawpaw and great grandma and grandpa this afternoon.

your longer update coming soon.

<3UPickle>

hurdles [sleeping thru the night]

er, or not sleeping through the night rather.

"no, she is not sleeping through the night. thanks."
this actually is what i want to say sometimes, but i'm trying to stay positive.

and disclaimer:
please don't read this and think i am talking about you if you have asked me this before.
it's more irritating to be asked over and over by the same person expecting a different response.
isn't that the definition of insanity?
hmmm.

just because other 5 month old babies sleep thru doesn't mean that mine will at this time.
and just because they sleep through at 2, 3 or 4 months doesn't mean that stella fits that exact 
cookie cutter mold. hmph.

every heard of individuality?

unique?
if this sounds defensive, i probably am and that is probably due to the fact that i am tired.

do i want a full night's sleep? duh.

am i used to getting up 3-4x a night lately? yes.

am i functioning on broken sleep ok? barely.

will this last forever? no.


the hardest part right now is running on E.
i'm feeling like my tank is constantly on low fuel and it is catching up to me.
we moved stella to the crib almost 2 weeks ago.
she started out doing well.
and well means that she only fussed the same amount as in the co sleeper/bed with me...
meaning i got up the same amount and the only difference was walking in the other room.
then after a week she started fussing a lot. 
luckily i have stopped the feeds for the most part bc i don't think she needs it and it seems
her fussing is for other reasons-
for a paci.
for gas.
for constipation.
for teething... 
(frankly, teething is another hurdle and this might be the main issue here...)


heck i'm not really sure i am learning as i go.
good news is that she doesn't scream and sometimes she falls back asleep on her own, 
but the bad news is i wake up pretty much for every peep.
... and when you wake up 4-5x a night
it's not exactly worthy of labeling it a good night's sleep.


and you start doing things like shaving your legs and forgetting to shave a whole knee.
saying to pockets "wow. you must be thursday!" after she gulps her water.
(no, no caren it's thirsty. this is one of many word mishaps)
trying to say a word or sentence, but find that nothing will correctly exit your mouth.
you start going through the days where you got 4 consecutive hours of sleep
thinking you are well rested, when in reality you are not, 
you have just forgotten what well rested really feels like.


and when i feel like punching people who have kids that sleep through the night at a very early age
and CLAIM they know what lack of sleep is, i first think in my head "ha! you suck and have no idea" 
and then i think of what my friend told me-

she said she wouldn't have done anything differently.

looking back she can't get the time back she shared with her little one in those sleepless nights,
those moments of snuggles in the same bed and they are only young once.

 unless a child has a chronic disease that keeps them from sleeping thru the night, it will happen.

and when it happens it will be when she is ready.


... for now i'll continue to hazily walk through my days...

alleluia.

a little late.

we made it thru another holiday.

H.belated.E. all.

it was a lovely day and had a nice time with both families.


during our easter service fr al recommended we use 
alleluia to replace other 4 letter words when we are irritated
he said 8 letter words will give you more bang for your buck than 4 letter words.


so- when the neighbors started drilling out their drive way the next morning
i yelled alleluia out the window
and when my work computer took 500 seconds to load a page i said to myself 
alleluia.


it doesn't have the same full effect, but i think the goal is to keep you in check 
and focus on what is important.


below is a small recap

(clockwise)
1. first family photo where i look human 2. stella's easter basket from papaw and mamaw
3. the brunch table, yum 4. pockets and mamaw search for eggs.


i'm a week late, but better late than never.
(i know, totally breaking blog rules. 

if your baby was teething you'd break them too)

a few reasons why we do it.

i breastfeed. and i love it. and wanted to share how awesome it is.

 i contacted fellow b.feeders and asked them why they love it or why they do it. 

so many were gracious enough to share.

... some not only shared a couple reasons, 

but wrote their own personal b.feeding stories and benefits.

thanks to the gals who shared and kudos to those people that struggled, 

but stayed committed.

 these longer ones (myself included)

will be coming in from time to time in posts of their own, but for now:

i present, a few reasons why we do it!

"I love breastfeeding b.c. in the middle of the night I can lay there and nurse without fully waking up.  Hello amazing. Don't have to get out bed, fill my kid with nutritious food and it's free? Sign me up!"

"As I face the realization that I am having no more children, 

the thing that I miss the most, 

the thing that I think about in the middle of the night, is breastfeeding.  

That soft, tiny mouth, seeking me in the middle of the night, 

drawn by that invisible warmth. 

Those little hands, grasping me, holding on for dear life...God, I miss that.  

I miss co-sleeping and baby-wearing tremendously, 

but nothing compares to being the sole provider of my baby's nutritional needs like breastfeeding did for me. 

I breastfed for a total of five years +.  Each child was a different feeder, but the feelings were all the same." 

"(1) One of the reasons I stuck with breastfeeding because I was the traveling meal.  I didn't have to plan meals for my child.  And it was awesome.  The only possible downside to this would be the fact that some people [read: my husband] had a verrrrryyy looonnggg learning curve when it came to recognizing that his child actually needed to eat.  Real human food. (2) I was shocked at how nonchalant breastfeeding became for me.  It felt natural.  I was really scared that I wouldn't feel comfortable feeding my child in front of others. (3) My working situation was fantastic when it came to pumping.  I had privacy and space and time when/where I needed it."

"Besides the practical reasons why I like breastfeeding (i.e. it's free, it's healthy and always available to my son), I feel a lot of pride that I am able to provide sustenance for my child. I like that it is something only I can do for him, and I like that we are dependent on each other in this deal. He needs me for food, and I need him so my boobs don't explode. I love that moment when I lay him down on his Boppy, and he instinctively turns toward me looking for me. And when I feel like eating ice cream, I think to myself, "Go ahead, as a breastfeeding mom, you burn an extra 500 calories a day. Eat the ice cream."

With all that said, it overwhelms me imagining doing this for a year, which is my goal. I also feel a little sad that my breasts will never look or feel the same....I am mourning my pre-breastfeeding breasts."

"I love it enough to pump my dry boobs 8-12 x a day in efforts to re-lactate after a supply was lost from an insufficient suck and (possible) thyroid problems? I love it so much I'm willing to take a non-FDA approved drug from some unknown country from a pharmaceutical company because my OB and numerous lactation consultants say I need it to feed my baby? or I love it so much I'm willing to pump my boobs till they bleed while I sit and cry and stare at walls because my preemie baby is attached to tubes in the NICU?"

"My favorite part about it is when she is eating and all of the sudden pulls up and looks up at me with a huge smile, looking right into my eyes, and then really quickly jumps back on. She will do this over and over. It's not always the most productive if I am pressed for time, but I'd be late everywhere to see her do it every time."

four months. four.five months really.

dear stella,
the months go by a lot quicker with you.

holy moly.

you are growing and growing.

where did you get those long legs and torso?
ok, legs = dad. torso, TBD.

you learned to laugh on 3.23.12

moma was making fun of you.

you have come close before, but hearing your giggle was music to my ears.

and daddie's too.

we kept laughing every time you laughed.
your laugh often turns to hiccups and makes you stop. 
unfortunate.

you love your naps.
sleep stretches are still mostly 40-50 minute naps, but you've done some 2 hour one's in the mix
here and there.

sleep stretches at night.... well, yea.
no.
they aren't great. but average for your age.
the doc wasn't concerned. neither am i, but i thought i would ask.
i put you "down for the night" around 9:30-10:30p
aka when i go upstairs. i do it all in one swoop.
maybe i am lazy, but eh.
you typically have been waking at 1a/2a for a feed and then again 415a/445a for a feed.
this is the latest and greatest.

...do note that you were getting up like 1a, 3a, 5a etc the week before this for some odd reason.
and yet, somehow i go on functioning.


there are times i have to get a nap.
usually i don't, but when i need one i take one. 
daddie and i went on a date last week and i didn't go to bed until 12:30a
along with a heaping glass of wine at the movie.
the next day i was shot.
guess i need to "put myself down for the night" earlier as well.


stella 4.5m stats are as follows:
you are a solid 15.7 lbs (at 4m you were 15.1) and riding the 75th %.
height you are 26.5 inches and riding the 90th % curve. 
actually you look like you are above the 90th on my graph...
it's funny having such a big girl since i never came close to these percentiles.

you met your silly rolling over milestone a while ago, but you are a

rolling over machine still. 
like, you are obsessed with it.
you go from back to front, but not front to back.
dr. D said most kids go front to back first bc it's easier, 
but he said you must not have read the manual.
leave it to you to shake it up and want the challenge first.
mwhahaha, like her mama.

we are waiting on solid foods.
not because you aren't old enough, but because i don't feel like it.
we aren't behind, but i don't feel like making your food right now and you are clearly 
chunking up just fine with bmilk.
i'd like to get you in the crib first, then maybe we can talk new menu's. 
sound ok? i'm also not looking forward to your diapers once we intro you to new foods.

i won't hold you off forever. 
one thing at a time kid.
i'm trying to keep up with you.


your care givers adore you and i can tell you are well taken care of when i see your
"how was stella" book every day.
i'm happy you get so much 1v1 attention.
you are loving babbling more and more and seem to have taken a liking to my singing.
you like when i sing "let me be your star" from SMASH.
thanks for making me feel good.
you seem to be liking broadway music and female vocals. 
this is only based on when i play it vs other music you seem to perk up more.

your attention is all over the place.
everything is SoooOOOOooOOOOoo interesting.
loving books - the animal ones, sesame street ones and some crayola ones from the paces.
(leave it to the paces to get you some colorful books).
you look around at people when they are talking and sometimes try to mimic or join in.
your attentiveness to nursing is waning. 
you still like to bfeed, but i have to take you to a quiet place sometimes
bc you are on.off off.on.off.on.off and that is not too cool for a mama trying to feed her birdie.

you love outside. my kind of girl, enjoys walks.
... and we are counting the days to get you in the jogging stroller.
we just need daddie to get that guy out of the box.
then........ moma will ReaLLy get back in shape.
watch out!


i did happen to get you a 4m bday present.
don't get used to that. 
i went to a writing workshop at a local children's boutique
and decided i had to get you a cute lil bit from the tea collection.
it's very cute and i rarely buy you anything bc you have so much.




you are such a happy, loved little girl.
mommie and daddie enjoy you more each day and your smiles are contagious.


love you, ginger snap.
moma