the expectation eruption

ok.
so if i'm being honest here i'll admit that mister john and i fight.
surprised?! ha, probably not.
but within the blogosphere it seems like it's all roses with most folks.

i'm usually refreshed to hear about other people's disagreements and ups and downs, but i also know that sometimes it's a little too personal. no judgement, fair enough. 

so i'm here to tell you it's not all roses.
this space is certainly a spot i like to post about the rosy moments (although lately it's only when i have the time...), but i want to touch on the not so rosy moments.

mister john and i have had some large changes in the last couple years. we got married, start new jobs, bought a house, got pregnant, have this baby and now we, what? breathe? go on as if nothings changed?

naturally change can create stress. believe it or not i thrive on change. i know, the girl with issues thrives on change. (well, at least i used to). even with changes, i find myself with heightened stress and anxiety without even knowing it. it sort of creeps in there and then sometimes blows up. tears, yells, irritation. it just seeps in uninvited.

with all this change, i found myself lacking the communication i once had (or thought i once had). by all means, folks, do i consider myself a good communicator with my mister. i can write out my feelings. i can express them beautifully after the fact. i can vent properly to other people and sound calm, cool and rational, but when it comes to my sweet, i'm not to sweet.

here i am raising a child, loving and caring for this little being every moment, keeping our house (inside) clean and organized (issues remember?), constantly looking for ways to "keep it simple," attempting to carry on with friends and hobbies (ie: note my lack of entries lately.......), staying in shape, working 20-30 hours, what feels like chasing my tail and feeling under appreciated.

poor me.

but is it really poor me when i didn't thank my mister for all he does? poor me when i didn't ask for help? poor me when i assume he doesn't want to do something because he didn't ask? poor me when i carry around quiet expectations for my partner and board up resentment because he's not meeting the expectations i never bothered to tell him about?

soak that one up.

and then the eruption.

a conversation or a question leads to full fledged argument. pent up resentment explodes all over the room. all the irksome moments i've/we've been holding onto, waiting for that right moment to bring up (or disappear) bounce off the walls. voices rise. we retreat and it's once again quiet.

unfortunately arguing, imo, is inevitable in a relationship. especially a close one. it's during that retreat that i realize how much my heart truly hurts when we act this way even amidst the anger. it's during the quiet i realize how we both are guilty of communication errors often leading with the unwritten, unsaid expectations and how we both hunger for affirmations or other love language. 

expectations, friends, are dangerous. how can we expect anyone to do something if they don't know we expect it? a friend of mine, tarry gave me a book for a pre wedding gift and i picked it up during "the quiet" and started reading where i left the bookmark. ironically the chapter read "EXPECT LESS, GET MORE"

ha. clearly, i read on.
a little excerpt:
"expect less, get more. this means that the fewer unrealistic expectations you have of your marriage and spouse, the more happiness both of you will experience.

i'm not going to sit here and re-print the chapter, but i will say how handy it was to read this after an emotion-filled eruption. i felt motivated to work on what needs to be worked on. it's a valuable lesson to remain spouses after becoming parents. juggling a new title, but not forgetting the old.

i don't anticipate this being the end-all-be-all of answers, but perhaps it's a step in the right direction to decrease the eruptions and increase the affirmations.

be still.

trying to appreciate more still moments and less 'to do' moments.

i haven't forgot about you blog.

drafts in progress...

and half a year passed by...

yea yea

we all know you turned 1/2 a year old on may 20th and i'm once again late.

it's not my fault your shots come late, i already told you that.

miss stella,

you are growing and growing in every aspect.

it's so fun to see your little personality shine through.

you are still grunting randomly when you are concentrating really hard on something.

it sounds like an evil laugh, but i'll call it focus and force.

you get irritated with your toys. if something doesn't open or if it doesn't fit in your mouth you sometimes cry or whine or use your evil laugh/grunt. "ah eh eh eh"

the concept of all toys not coming apart has not really sunk in yet and it's hard to tell a 6m old that you can't get upset at the object because it is attached to something.

you started this random sucking of your bottom lip. haven't seen it in a while, but now and then you make a little noise while doing this. you also make a coughing sound quite a bit, but you aren't really coughing. when you get really mad and are crying it forces you into a cough, but this is like you've found a new noise and cough at people, but uh, and you think you are talking. we humor you.

you've started leaning your head to the side. in the bumbo or even when someone is holding you. nothing wrong with seeing the world from a different angle. i'm ok with it kid.

i sometimes leave you in the bed asleep (or even awake if quick) blockaded with pillows...

one time recently i, uh, apparently didn't blockade you in enough. i heard you crying whimpering and thought man she doesn't last long playing alone. i go in to find you really in need of help. poor girl. you weaseled your way through the pillow and your head was stuck between the co sleeper and bed. mother of the year? awesome. your body couldn't slink anywhere, but i am sure it was scary to have your head stuck upside down. now i better strategically place the heavy pillows around you, mobile chick.

I'm surprised you still stay in the bumbo bc you are quite the mover. no official coordinated crawling yet, but you are on your way. always jiggling and standing with help. when i put you on the floor to play i come back to the room to find you wiggled your way to a completely different spot. you either roll to move or lift your butt really high and scoot your head. if you cant reach for something you whine to moma or dada to help you, but we try not to always give in. sorry lovie, you have to learn to get to point B yourself.

you must take after your moma. tough. duh.

i took you in to the doc for what i thought was pink eye and was sent home with a diagnosis of an ear infection. they asked if you'd been fussy or had a cold and well you seemed like your normal self, but with a crusty, weepy eye (which again, wasn't pink eye but a lingering tear duct that surfaces from time to time). 

you really are a happy pants most of the time. new people have to take a minute to warm up, but you, besides being impatient, are a happy camper. once you are comfortable with your surroundings and the folks around you babble away or just look around and around. when pockets is around you can't take your eyes off her. you seriously follow her every move. makes it interesting when you need to nap or eat. 

you love outside. when i need to calm you down or chill you out we go outside. for a jog, walk or just sitting on the porch. you become zen every time we enter the outdoors. i do love this, bc nothing is better than fresh air. did you secretly absorb a love for outside when in the womb during our jogs? you still love music too. when people sing to you or if i turn on music it still chills you out. when i was doing my wedding warm ups you actually liked the sound of vocal warm ups. hmmmm. maybe you'll be a singer. pawpaw thinks you will be a drummer like him since you love to pound on tables and, uh, everything - including humans.

we started you on solids. or a version of solids since mush is considered a solid. (i think it still seems like a liquid). i started you on avocado and you enjoyed it. we added some sweet potato, mango and banana that i mashed up for you. it's really not been an issue mashing things up for you (and freezing some for later). i admit to the doctor i am pretty lazy with feeding you solids, but i integrated them bc i guess that is what you do. he said if i didn't want to add solids still at 9 months it'd be fine as long as you stay chunky. ...which doesn't seem to be a problem.

you like to hold an additional spoon in your hand and even try to feed yourself. i honestly don't know if you like the food or just the act of eating in a new way. BUT there is no question you do like your high chair (my old one, yes another hand me down!!). it's a nice option to let you play with some object in the high chair while i do dishes or whatever. you feel included in my task bc you are nearby.

we started to let you cry at night a little. i told dada that i was tired of getting up at 3a when i didn't think we needed to. of course i wasn't sure, bc i wake up hungry so how am i to say that you may not be hungry or what time. it's painful letting you cry even if it's just 5 minutes. dada and i decided we will let you cry for up to 15 minutes if you got up between 12a-4a. it's worked pretty well. the first nite i don't think you cried for more than 5-8 min or so, but it feels like eternity. good news is you learned how to get yourself back to sleep and sleeping for all 3 of us has been better. not perfect, not immaculate, but better. i'm not sure if we have turned a corner for good, but you learned to soothe yourself and do it quickly so that is positive. thank you.

you also soothe yourself by looking at your hand. it's still interesting to you.
it's not just the hand, it's the fact that you can move all your fingers.
you do this same motion while nursing, or laying in bed falling asleep or when you can't get to a toy. you then revert back to your fingers. i even caught you doing this with your eyes closed so it's not just watching, it must be the controlled motion. i'm anxious to see if this is something you do for a while.

you still are what i call my snuggle buggle. i whisper in your ear and you usually smile because i tickle your neck when i say it. you know your bedtime ritual pretty well. we go when you are tired, not at a specific time.
sound machine on.
lights low or off.
diaper change and sleep sack on.
say some good nights to dada.
mama rocks you. 
nurses.
and you even lean out of the chair with your paci saying you want to lay in your bed.
i kiss your head and say "it's night night time, mama loves you. lay your heady down, it's night night time" and it's like you know what to do.
sometimes you fall right to sleep, other times you whine a little
or just look at those fingers and drift off to sleep. 
you like to me stay with you for a little 
or hear me in the hallway if you don't fall right asleep. 

...

when people meet you for the first time they say 1 of 2 things:

"how old is she?" i reply 6m. "wow she is big!"

OR

"does she have red hair? looks like there is a hint of red there..."

i find them both so funny bc i see you every day and i've become immune to your size and hair color for the most part. it's a little odd having such a big girl since lea and i were peanuts and pockets is a peanut, but i can't imagine you not being a chunk. i also never thought i'd have a ginger baby, but i really dig that your hair is different and it adds a little spunk to you. is that so wrong?

your big girl stats are pretty much on par with the same curves. at 6.5months you ring in at 17.7 lbs and 27 in long. keep riding that high curve lady! you are going to pass me up in no time...

my 17.7 pounder is communicating more. your cues are becoming more and more obvious to me. it's been nice. i can't believe how fast 6m went by, but i am excited for you to start to walk and talk and become more of a little human. i can't imagine what you will be like, but i'm anxious to find out!

lots of loves and kisses and slobber.

moma

dada and daughter

oh how i love thee ('s two)

i think the picture says it all.